Does Costco Destroy Baby Manatees? MoJo’s Eco-Doom Headline Generator

When climate change takes over, this little robot will carry on if we cannot.

When climate change takes over, rendering MoJo editors incapable of posting scary stories about how your consumer choices are ruining everything, the Mother Jones Eco-Doom Headline Generator will kick in. Click the big red button to see it in action. (Shameless h/t to BuzzFeed.) Bonus alarmist fun: Hey look, we already wrote a bunch of these!

‘);
headline_element.append(headline_dek);
create_headline_form = jQuery(‘

‘);
create_headline_form.append(jQuery(‘‘));
create_headline_form.append(jQuery(‘‘));
create_headline_form.bind(‘submit’, function() {
display_new_headline();
return false;
});
share_buttons_container = jQuery(‘

‘);

var headline_form_container = jQuery(‘

‘);
headline_form_container.append(create_headline_form);
headline_element.after(headline_form_container);
headline_form_container.after(share_buttons_container);
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container’).bind(‘mouseover’, function() {
jQuery(document).bind(‘keydown’, keydown_handler);
});
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container’).bind(‘mouseout’, function() {
jQuery(document).unbind(‘keydown’, keydown_handler);
});
};

var keydown_handler = function(e) {
if (e.keyCode === 37) {
display_new_headline();
} else if (e.keyCode === 39) {
display_new_headline();
} else if (e.keyCode === 32) {
display_new_headline();
} else if (e.keyCode === 13) {
display_new_headline();
}
return false;
}

var display_new_headline = function() {
var hed_and_url = construct_new_headline()
set_twitter_text(hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]);
set_facebook_text(hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]);
}

var construct_new_headline = function() {
var hed;
if ( Math.random() * 5 > 4 ) {
hed_and_url = new_real_headline()
} else {
hed_and_url = new_random_headline()
}
return [hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]];
}

var new_real_headline = function() {
var hed_num = get_real_row_number();
var hed = ‘
+ real_data_store[hed_num].hed
+ ‘
‘;
headline_hed.html(hed);
return [real_data_store[hed_num].hed, real_data_store[hed_num].url];
}

var new_random_headline = function() {
var noun_num = get_random_row_number();
var noun = random_data_store[noun_num].noun;
var is_ing = random_data_store[noun_num].takesing.toLowerCase() === ‘yes’;
var verb = random_data_store[get_random_row_number()].verb;
if (is_ing) {
verb = verb.replace(/e$/, ”);
}
var second_noun = random_data_store[get_random_row_number()].secondnoun;
var hed = noun + ‘ ‘ + verb + (is_ing ? ‘ing ‘ : ‘ ‘) + second_noun + ‘?’;
headline_hed.html(hed);
return [hed, ‘http://mojo.ly/Yx9rZM’];
}

set_twitter_text = function(hed, url) {
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container .hed-twitter-share-button’).remove()
share_buttons_container.append(‘TWEET
);
}

var set_facebook_text = function(hed, url) {
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_facebook_like’).remove();
share_buttons_container.append(
jQuery(‘FACEBOOK
)
/* jQuery(
facebook
)
*/
);
}

var get_random_row_number = function() {
return Math.floor(Math.random() * random_rows_length)
}

var get_real_row_number = function() {
return Math.floor(Math.random() * real_rows_length)
}

Tabletop.init({
key: “0AswaDV9q95oZdHpOX2s2MmpsNXR1RXRqNDEtS0FiV1E”,
proxy : ‘https://s3.amazonaws.com/mj-tabletop-proxy’,
wanted: [‘fake’, ‘real’],
callback: function(data) {
random_data_store = data.fake.elements;
real_data_store = data.real.elements;
init_headline_generator();
display_new_headline();
}
});

 

Meanwhile, the art department is stockpiling graphics for post-climageddon use:

SIX TRUTHS

Reclaiming power from those who abuse it often starts with telling the truth. And in "This Is How Authoritarians Get Defeated," MoJo's Monika Bauerlein unpacks six truths to remember during the homestretch of an election where democracy, truth, and decency are on the line.

Truth #1: The chaos is the point.

Truth #2: Team Reality is bigger than it seems.

Truth #3: Facebook owns this.

Truth #4: When we go to work, we're in the fight.

Truth #5: It's about minority rule.

Truth #6: The only thing that can save us is…us.

Please take a moment to see how all these truths add up, because what happens in the weeks and months ahead will reverberate for at least a generation and we better be prepared.

And if you think journalism like Mother Jones'—that calls it like it is, that will never acquiesce to power, that looks where others don't—can help guide us through this historic, high-stakes moment, and you're able to right now, please help us reach our $350,000 goal by October 31 with a donation today. It's all hands on deck for democracy.

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SIX TRUTHS

Reclaiming power from those who abuse it often starts with telling the truth. And in "This Is How Authoritarians Get Defeated," MoJo's Monika Bauerlein unpacks six truths to remember during the homestretch of an election where democracy, truth, and decency are on the line.

Truth #1: The chaos is the point.

Truth #2: Team Reality is bigger than it seems.

Truth #3: Facebook owns this.

Truth #4: When we go to work, we're in the fight.

Truth #5: It's about minority rule.

Truth #6: The only thing that can save us is…us.

Please take a moment to see how all these truths add up, because what happens in the weeks and months ahead will reverberate for at least a generation and we better be prepared.

And if you think journalism like Mother Jones'—that calls it like it is, that will never acquiesce to power, that looks where others don't—can help guide us through this historic, high-stakes moment, and you're able to right now, please help us reach our $350,000 goal by October 31 with a donation today. It's all hands on deck for democracy.

payment methods

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