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So what’s Brad Pitt really like? He’s a lot like Hugh Grant, who’s a lot like Claire Danes, who’s a lot like every other surprisingly complex, assuredly heterosexual, disturbingly foulmouthed celebrity. Except for Gloria the Iberian lynx, that is. Gloria is slightly different, because she doesn’t have a thuggish publicist enforcing the golden rule of celebrity journalism: Every juicy dollop of celebrity candor must be repaid with a like amount of squishy journalist obsequiousness.

Celebrity Estimated exposure to celebrity Main objective Gratuitous down-to-
The star is not gay Does the celebrity have Tourette’s syndrome? Reader’s appropriate penance
Vanity Fair Brad Pitt Three hours Plugging Meet Joe Black “[Pitt is] fun-loving, to be sure, ‘the king of flatulence,’ said Aidan Quinn.” “I hesitate to use the word ‘feminine,’ because people will get the wrong idea, but something in the way Pitt padded around the house in his slip-ons…made me think he’s exactly the kind of guy a girl could…discuss fabric swatches with.” “Pitt and I were talking about various literary styles when Cormac McCarthy’s name came up. ‘Whoof, he’s one of the all-stars,’ Pitt said admiringly.” Must actually read book by Cormac McCarthy
GQ Hugh Grant At least two separate visits Plugging Mickey Blue Eyes and Notting Hill “‘I was never able to blow my nose without a hankie before,’ [Grant] notes. ‘[James Caan] can shoot it for miles. Great cables of snot shooting from his nose that would…hit some minor actor in the face.'” “His face fairly quivers with rascally delight; I suspect he likes being here [in a gay bar] because of, not in spite of recurring (and baseless) rumors that he’s gay.” “I have a kind of Tourette’s thing now, where every time I put down the phone I have to say, ‘wanker, cunt.'” Must actually watch Nine Months
Premiere Clare Danes However long it takes an overly introspective novice bowler to bowl three games Plugging Brokedown Palace and The Mod Squad “‘We both became really fond of these sleeping pills. We were like two little crackheads in the back…. It got pretty violent at times.'” No overt mentions of Danes’ not-gayness After criticizing Manila in this interview — it “fucking smelled of cockroaches” — Danes told reporters: “I would never intentionally insult the Philippines.” Must skip next MTV repeat of “My So-Called Life,” even if it’s the one where Angela finally kisses Jordan Catalano
Details Pamela Anderson A little too much: “Pamela…sprawls out on her freshly steam-cleaned carpet.” Plugging new TV show and official, patented Pamela Anderson G-string “‘You know,’ she says thoughtfully, ‘I think I’m gonna change the name to Pamela’s Rectal Floss. That’ll go flying off the shelves.'” “‘Everybody’s done that at least once in their life,’ Pamela says about her XXX VHS…. ‘Thank God I don’t have 60 billion tapes out there or anything with women.'” “I have Tourette’s syndrome: I just say whatever’s on my mind. I just keep spitting it out.” Must model the patented Pamela Anderson G-string
Natural History Gloria the lberian lynx “Just over a week” Staving off extinction “By examining more than 1,000 feces samples, Palomares found that most lynx consume an average of two rabbits a day.” “A female will mate with whichever male has won the adjacent territory, and a male will mate with as many females as he can.” Tendency toward Pitt-like vocalizations, so maybe: “Gloria utters a throaty and menacing growl.” Kick back and pop in the Pam and Tommy tape: You did a good deed.

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