An Important Message from YourBank(R)

The recent overhaul of the banking industry will help us, YourBank, serve you better by eliminating all those bothersome choices.

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Here at YourBank, we realize you and yours might be a little worried about the recent legislation, recently voted into law by both houses of Congress and signed by the President, which removes burdensome regulations on financial institutions. Well, we don’t blame you. No, it’s not your imagination. You’d have to be dumber than a bucket of cheese-and-bacon potato skins not to figure out that the economic jungle out there is growing thicker every day.

Let us take this time to put your mind at ease. You know what these changes are? They’re good. And overdue. Real good and way overdue. Teensy weensy tiny little corrections designed solely with you, our most valued asset, in mind. These minor adjustments, a fine tuning if you will, are simply additional means for the YourBank family to streamline and modernize our operations. We may now provide a wider path for you, YourBank’s most precious collateral, to navigate the labyrinth of modern-day financial frontiers in your never-ending search for fiduciary freedom. Now available with a newly deregulated smile.

An extensive battery of focus groups have continuously informed our marketing department you don’t want a lot of perplexing decisions slowing down your day, so we’re doing our best to make sure when the smoke clears, YourBank remains standing as your solitary choice when seeking fiscal security. YourBank understands what every North American family (soon to include the Virgin Islands) knows: that blocking growth and communication inevitably leads to disasters such as isolation, shrinking market shares, diminished quarterly dividends and eventual external audits.

That’s why we’re proud to take this opportunity to announce the introduction of the new “One Rate” convenience fee from YourBank. Tired of all those confusing, ever-changing charges for automated banking? Who wouldn’t be? One institution tacks on a user fee for each online service dial-up, while another nails you even more just for utilizing their ATM, while your bank (not YourBank) adds another equally outrageous fee for using someone else’s ATM. If you’re not weary of wondering whether our security cameras might be pointing the wrong way, we’re worried you might not be paying proper attention.

And now, YourBank takes the guesswork out of banking. Our new “One Rate” convenience fee guarantees each and every transaction you make will always be the same special, low, user-friendly price of five dollars. That way you’ll always know you’re getting the same beneficial, easy-to-remember rate no matter when or why or how you attempt to do business with us. No hassles. No confusion. No hidden surcharges. Just the same convenient price. Any time. Anywhere. For anything. You’ll never have to wonder if you’re being ripped off again.

Remember, YourBank is committed to doing what you would do if you were in our position. Parceling out privacy data to telemarketers is simply one example. YourBank. Where our only job is to work as hard as we can to make your money our money. The new one-stop marketplace for your every monetary, insurance, brokerage, and pawn needs. Join the YourBank family today.

Coming soon: YourBank Previously-Owned Automobiles, YourBank Managed Residential Care, and YourBank Eternal Slumber Estates.

The Durst Case Scenario appears every week on the MoJo Wire, except when it doesn’t.

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