Political Glass Houses

In which our man Durst asks the eternal question: How much muck can a muckraker rake when the mother ruckers rake their own muck?

Fight disinformation: Sign up for the free Mother Jones Daily newsletter and follow the news that matters.


How often I have said this: You can’t make stuff like this up. Yet I continue to be right.

Case in point: In Boston, attempting to unseat 37-year Democratic Senate veteran Edward Kennedy, a Republican has flung the first hot, wet mud of the race. And it turns out he could have done it in a locked closet with a bamboo boomerang, since the target was his own self.

In response to what he considered a partisan attack, Jack E. Robinson III issued an 11-page report detailing all the dirt he and his staff could dig up on himself.

And you got to admit, the guy did a pretty damn good job. C’mon, 11 pages. Even double spaced, we’re talking at least the appearance of thoroughness here. He’s getting near CIA foreign dictator application status. I bet even Pamela Anderson would have perked up at the disclosure, provided someone in her retinue could read.

The sensation was sufficient, suffice to say, that had Mr. Robinson been any other person on the planet he could have sued for slander. “Where have you gone Henry Kissinger? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Koo kooka choo.”

In his near-scandalous autobiographical account of a misspent well … youth, young adulthood, and middle age, the wealthy business executive alludes to a relationship culminating in a restraining order, flunking the bar three times, a drunk-driving charge, and a court-upheld accusation of plagiarism. All this amidst rumors of a secret propensity to thaw individual Cornish game hens in what one James Beard, award-winning Pan-Asian chef, has labeled a “hygienically suspect procedure.” However, it has been said his chat room etiquette is impeccable.

You might think that to call this mind-boggling paradigm of pre-emptive public self flagellation political suicide is a little like suggesting the results of the McWorm sandwich rollout were mixed, but don’t forget; he’s running against the Teddy Bear. A man to whom 11 pages doesn’t even cover the court documents reproduction service segment of his FBI official dossier’s acknowledgements section. The Fredo of the Kennedy family. The only Senator who by all rights should be wearing a house arrest ankle bracelet. Strike that. Silly thought. All of them should.

We always whine about how we we wish every politician would roll out his or her sins on an orderly, lined parchment like this, but that refuses to take into account the law of unintended results. For instance, if we got our wish, the American Spectator and Mother Jones would become shopping inserts. The McLaughlin Group would barkingly review movies. How much muck can a muckraker rake when the mother ruckers rake their own muck?

And realistically, does anybody really think the world would be better off with Bob Woodward covering the Orioles beat?

"Smirking silently but walking purposefully away from the commotion surrounding Albert Belle's third cleat to the head prank of the day, the grizzled captain of horsehide, to many the embodiment of the big orange bird himself, but with a sharper beak, Hargrove glimpsed Ripken kick a clump of dirt over the third base foul line and wondered darkly to himself: 'How many more clumps of dirt does he have left in that foot? What happens when the clumps become wads and then just sprays of dirt, and finally a single grain of black sand? Who will know first? Hopefully it won't be the crowd. If I don't know, will Tom Clancy tell me? Where's my chaw? I need new shoes.'"

Tell us what you think

 

Will Durst is covering the 2000 election for the MoJo Wire. He is host of PBS’ “Livelyhood” and picks the Orioles to finish fourth.

AN IMPORTANT UPDATE

We’re falling behind our online fundraising goals and we can’t sustain coming up short on donations month after month. Perhaps you’ve heard? It is impossibly hard in the news business right now, with layoffs intensifying and fancy new startups and funding going kaput.

The crisis facing journalism and democracy isn’t going away anytime soon. And neither is Mother Jones, our readers, or our unique way of doing in-depth reporting that exists to bring about change.

Which is exactly why, despite the challenges we face, we just took a big gulp and joined forces with The Center for Investigative Reporting, a team of ace journalists who create the amazing podcast and public radio show Reveal.

If you can part with even just a few bucks, please help us pick up the pace of donations. We simply can’t afford to keep falling behind on our fundraising targets month after month.

Editor-in-Chief Clara Jeffery said it well to our team recently, and that team 100 percent includes readers like you who make it all possible: “This is a year to prove that we can pull off this merger, grow our audiences and impact, attract more funding and keep growing. More broadly, it’s a year when the very future of both journalism and democracy is on the line. We have to go for every important story, every reader/listener/viewer, and leave it all on the field. I’m very proud of all the hard work that’s gotten us to this moment, and confident that we can meet it.”

Let’s do this. If you can right now, please support Mother Jones and investigative journalism with an urgently needed donation today.

payment methods

AN IMPORTANT UPDATE

We’re falling behind our online fundraising goals and we can’t sustain coming up short on donations month after month. Perhaps you’ve heard? It is impossibly hard in the news business right now, with layoffs intensifying and fancy new startups and funding going kaput.

The crisis facing journalism and democracy isn’t going away anytime soon. And neither is Mother Jones, our readers, or our unique way of doing in-depth reporting that exists to bring about change.

Which is exactly why, despite the challenges we face, we just took a big gulp and joined forces with The Center for Investigative Reporting, a team of ace journalists who create the amazing podcast and public radio show Reveal.

If you can part with even just a few bucks, please help us pick up the pace of donations. We simply can’t afford to keep falling behind on our fundraising targets month after month.

Editor-in-Chief Clara Jeffery said it well to our team recently, and that team 100 percent includes readers like you who make it all possible: “This is a year to prove that we can pull off this merger, grow our audiences and impact, attract more funding and keep growing. More broadly, it’s a year when the very future of both journalism and democracy is on the line. We have to go for every important story, every reader/listener/viewer, and leave it all on the field. I’m very proud of all the hard work that’s gotten us to this moment, and confident that we can meet it.”

Let’s do this. If you can right now, please support Mother Jones and investigative journalism with an urgently needed donation today.

payment methods

We Recommend

Latest

Sign up for our free newsletter

Subscribe to the Mother Jones Daily to have our top stories delivered directly to your inbox.

Get our award-winning magazine

Save big on a full year of investigations, ideas, and insights.

Subscribe

Support our journalism

Help Mother Jones' reporters dig deep with a tax-deductible donation.

Donate