Ron Paul: The Only Candidate that Won’t Land Catholics in a Pit of Eternal Fire. … Or Is He?

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The nation’s bishops held a press conference yesterday to warn that the choices Roman Catholic voters make at the ballot box may put their eternal salvation at risk. In large part, they appeared to be talking about the candidates’ stances on abortion. The take-home message: Vote for a Democrat, go to Hell. (more after the jump)

But we’re not being entirely fair. Let’s face it: Jesus isn’t on the ballot. Every last one of these candidates is a filthy sinner, and as soon as any one of them takes the reins, he or she will start making moral judgements with global ramifications. Just to get in the saddle, all are taking stances that clash with those of the church.

Rudy G? He’s pro-choice anyway, but Mr. Machismo is also unapologetically pro-war and pro-death penalty. He’s also divorced, and thus will drag your writhing soul with him into the underworld.

Fred Thompson? He’s a pro-capital punishment hawk who thinks we need to give the Pentagon even more money so it can wreak havoc in … Iran perhaps?

Hell.

Mitt Romney? He’s a Mormon.

Hell.

Voting Democratic may lead the confirmed into pits of burning sulfur, but the fact is, most every GOP candidate is gung-ho on the war and thinks the state should fry death row inmates. What’s a good Catholic to do?

Hmm. Well there is Ron Paul. Paul thinks life begins at conception. He’s against the war, the death penalty and embryonic stem cell research. Even though he voted against the amendment to ban gay marriage–as a libertarian Republican, he thinks it’s not the government’s business–he’s personally against the practice. Could Paul really be The One to guide voters to Heaven?

Oh, wait. Turns out he wants to legalize, or at least decriminalize prostitution.

Hell.

SIX TRUTHS

Reclaiming power from those who abuse it often starts with telling the truth. And in "This Is How Authoritarians Get Defeated," MoJo's Monika Bauerlein unpacks six truths to remember during the homestretch of an election where democracy, truth, and decency are on the line.

Truth #1: The chaos is the point.

Truth #2: Team Reality is bigger than it seems.

Truth #3: Facebook owns this.

Truth #4: When we go to work, we're in the fight.

Truth #5: It's about minority rule.

Truth #6: The only thing that can save us is…us.

Please take a moment to see how all these truths add up, because what happens in the weeks and months ahead will reverberate for at least a generation and we better be prepared.

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SIX TRUTHS

Reclaiming power from those who abuse it often starts with telling the truth. And in "This Is How Authoritarians Get Defeated," MoJo's Monika Bauerlein unpacks six truths to remember during the homestretch of an election where democracy, truth, and decency are on the line.

Truth #1: The chaos is the point.

Truth #2: Team Reality is bigger than it seems.

Truth #3: Facebook owns this.

Truth #4: When we go to work, we're in the fight.

Truth #5: It's about minority rule.

Truth #6: The only thing that can save us is…us.

Please take a moment to see how all these truths add up, because what happens in the weeks and months ahead will reverberate for at least a generation and we better be prepared.

And if you think journalism like Mother Jones'—that calls it like it is, that will never acquiesce to power, that looks where others don't—can help guide us through this historic, high-stakes moment, and you're able to right now, please help us reach our $350,000 goal by October 31 with a donation today. It's all hands on deck for democracy.

payment methods

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