Text You and Everyone Who Looks Like You

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Like K-Fed, one in seven people report having been dumped via text message or email. Another 4% simply cut off all communication. What a flock of cowards. Back in my day, we had a little something called integrity. Whatever happened to the old-fashioned backbone required for dumping someone via voicemail?

You know the drill: call the loser’s office – reception, not his direct line – to make sure he’s at work. Then, fire up that fake, unplaceable accent normally reserved for dodging the collection agencies and student loan folks (“wha? who? no De-ba Deek-son he-ah. You got-ta baad num-ba. No De-ba he-ah. Call some more, me curse you whole fam-ly.”). With him safely away for nine or so hours, bravely enumerate his failings and let his machine know exactly how dumped he is. Next, block his number or screen like a son of a gun whilst hiding at an out of town girlfriend’s for a few days til you have enough contact attempts for a restraining order. But text and email? Ah, for the good old days of American forthrightness.

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