To Serve You Better, I Will Not Appear, but ‘Appear’ at your Life-Changing Event

Get your news from a source that’s not owned and controlled by oligarchs. Sign up for the free Mother Jones Daily.


Prince Charles ‘Appears’ at an Energy Summit (NY Times)

Prince Charles gave a keynote lecture at a summit meeting on advanced energy technologies in Abu Dhabi on Monday — not in the flesh, but as a three-dimensional hologram. By not flying there and back, he avoided adding about 20 tons of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere (the carbon cost of flying him and his entourage).

Hello, kids. It’s Mommy! I can’t believe you both graduated valedictorian and saved some stinky, homeless losers from a burning flophouse! I’m so proud of you both, I could just cry. But the programmers’ quote for tears was ridiculous. You still want to go to Harvard, right?

Don’t worry—no, please, don’t try to hug the hologram. I know where your hands have been. I’m ‘here.’ Just not here. I love you, Mommy does. I just love the planet more. Were I not menopausal, I could have more kids—but another planet? Be reasonable. Just think; by not driving those five minute down Main Street from home, my entourage and I (you remember Bob the mailman, right? And that cute contractor over-charging the Smiths next door?) have spared our poor planet 1/20,000th of a ton of carbon di-whateverit’s called. You know, the yucky stuff that makes the Earth cry. You don’t want the Earth to cry do you? You do? OK, buck up, kiddies and stop that wailing. I’ll be home soon, I promise. Just as soon as the local Indian casino cuts me off. Mommy can’t be in two places at once, can she? That’s my guys! You are soooo brave. Give Mommy a kiss. I mean, ‘kiss’. Oops, careful. Who put that marble column there? I’ll call Dr. Paul about that contusion tomorrow. Or next week, I promise. That’s better, the bleeding’s stopped, almost.

Here—have some holographic cupcakes. Such a deal I got on the holographic snack options. And NO!, I do not want to hear another word about Janey’s Mom’s famous whole wheat vegan, fako bacon beet juice and quinoa muffins! What harm could a little lard and a lot of high fructose corn syrup do? Besides, I happen to know little Miss Whole Foods drinks tap water. And she’s having an affair. With your art teacher.

Cheer up and remember: this is for the good of the planet. Mommy will ‘see’ you as soon as my ‘entourage’ and I… finish entourag-ing. Kisses!

BEFORE YOU CLICK AWAY!

“Lying.” “Disgusting.” “Scum.” “Slime.” “Corrupt.” “Enemy of the people.” Donald Trump has always made clear what he thinks of journalists. And it’s plain now that his administration intends to do everything it can to stop journalists from reporting things they don’t like—which is most things that are true.

No one gets to tell Mother Jones what to publish or not publish, because no one owns our fiercely independent newsroom. But that also means we need to directly raise the resources it takes to keep our journalism alive. There’s only one way for that to happen, and it’s readers like you stepping up. Please help with a donation today if you can—even a few bucks will make a real difference. A monthly gift would be incredible.

payment methods

BEFORE YOU CLICK AWAY!

“Lying.” “Disgusting.” “Scum.” “Slime.” “Corrupt.” “Enemy of the people.” Donald Trump has always made clear what he thinks of journalists. And it’s plain now that his administration intends to do everything it can to stop journalists from reporting things they don’t like—which is most things that are true.

No one gets to tell Mother Jones what to publish or not publish, because no one owns our fiercely independent newsroom. But that also means we need to directly raise the resources it takes to keep our journalism alive. There’s only one way for that to happen, and it’s readers like you stepping up. Please help with a donation today if you can—even a few bucks will make a real difference. A monthly gift would be incredible.

payment methods

We Recommend

Latest

Sign up for our free newsletter

Subscribe to the Mother Jones Daily to have our top stories delivered directly to your inbox.

Get our award-winning magazine

Save big on a full year of investigations, ideas, and insights.

Subscribe

Support our journalism

Help Mother Jones' reporters dig deep with a tax-deductible donation.

Donate