A Black Voter Email Meme

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Just when you think the right/GOP/racists couldn’t get any crazier (not to mention, sink any lower) in their hatred of Obama (not to mention losing), they do. Now (via Salon)…wait for it…Malcolm X is Obama’s “real” father. (Ta-Nehisi Coates has lots of fun with the insanity of race on this.) Or maybe it’s a “commie” named Frank Marshall Davis. He had a Honolulu ‘hot dog stand’ where baby Barack hung out and watched his ‘dad’ deal marijuana and cocaine, the real business behind the buns. Oh, also, ‘decent’ people couldn’t really be choosing Obama. The brother is hypnotizing them. You just gotta read the post. Geez.

Many of my black relatives have called, terrified that whites will lose their minds if Obama wins and that the new Prez will be assassinated before the polls close, and we’ll all be pogrom’d back into the cotton fields. I’ve chuckled, but insanity like this is somewhat troubling. Reminds me of the critical race theory of whiteness of property; some of y’all certainly are acting like non-whites have no right to be like, you know, Americans. Like we’re stealing something—full citizenship—that’s rightly only yours. Well, as my non-cussing sister would say: bump that.

So, here’s a handy little guide that’s been making the Negro email rounds. If Obama wins, here’s how blacks should handle it. Enjoy:

They’ll be watching us on November 5th (the day after the election) for signs of the end times.

To keep the peace and keep a lot of folks from getting nervous, I think we should develop a list of acceptable celebrations and behaviors we should probably avoid —at least for the first few days:

1. No crying, hugging or shouting “THANK YOU LORD”—at least not in public

2. No high-fives, at least not unless the area is clear and there are no witnesses

3. No laughing at the McCain/Palin supporters

4. No calling in sick on November 5th, (the day after voting). They will get nervous if too many of us are out.

5. We’re allowed to give each other winks or nods in passing. Just try to keep from grinning too hard.

6. No singing loudly, especially, “We’ve Come This Far By Faith”, soft humming is acceptable

7. No bringing barbeque ribs or fried chicken for lunch in the company lunchroom (at least for a week), by no means bring the chitlins

8. No leaving the Kool-Aid packs at the water fountain (we don’t want them to think there has been a break through)

9. No Cupid Shuffle during breaks (this could indicate a little too much excitement)

10. Please no “Moving On Up” music (we are trying to remain humble)

11. No doing the George Jefferson dance (unless you’re behind closed doors)

12. Please, please try your best not to yell—BOOOO YOWH!

13. Just in case you’re wondering what is acceptable, you may do….the “Running Man”, the “Cabbage Patch”, or if you have to do something outrageous….a back handspring on the highway (as long as no traffic is coming) is 100% okay.

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IT'S NOT THAT WE'RE SCREWED WITHOUT TRUMP:

"It's that we're screwed with or without him if we can't show the public that what we do matters for the long term," writes Mother Jones CEO Monika Bauerlein as she kicks off our drive to raise $350,000 in donations from readers by July 17.

This is a big one for us. So, as we ask you to consider supporting our team's journalism, we thought we'd slow down and check in about where Mother Jones is and where we're going after the chaotic last several years. This comparatively slow moment is also an urgent one for Mother Jones: You can read more in "Slow News Is Good News," and if you're able to, please support our team's hard-hitting journalism and help us reach our big $350,000 goal with a donation today.

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