April 29, 2009

I Would Like to Introduce Our Federal Government to Photoshop

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By now, the profound idiocy of the White House Military Office’s decision to stage a terrifying photo op for an Air Force One jet over New York City on Monday has been widely, and rightly, condemned. However, I haven’t heard anyone offer any proactive, money-saving solutions… until now! Esteemed employees of our federal government, please allow me, your comically named Mother Jones contributor, to acquaint you with a magical, spell-casting piece of computer wizardry called Photoshop. With Photoshop, anything can be anywhere, at any time! Skeptical? Well, just take a look at some examples after the jump!

Eager to show our government supports noodly indie electro-rock and the hipsters who flock to it? Let’s have Air Force One do a quick fly-by of the Coachella festival! But wait a minute! Unfortunately, while the jet engine noise would have flowed perfectly into My Bloody Valentine’s set, the wake turbulence could cause untold hairstyle damage. Therefore, an actual flyover just isn’t possible. So what do we do? Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Photoshop!

On a more serious note, say that perhaps you’re engaged in a delicate standoff with a ruthless, unhinged dictator. You’d love to swing by and give him the bird out the window, but that seems kind of dangerous. However, with the magic of Photoshop, Air Force One can be in Pyongyang in a flash, and what’s more, poor Kim Jong-il will totally believe it really happened!

Perhaps most intriguingly, the magical powers of Photoshop mean that Air Force One can fly to places both real and imaginary. For instance, ever wondered what would have happened if our government intervened in the Imperial stormtrooper attack on Luke Skywalker’s aunt and uncle’s farm on Tatooine? We could have avoided all that Ewok crap!

For your convenience, I now present a cost-benefit analysis.

  Federal Government’s Air Force One
Manhattan Photo Shoot 		Party Ben’s Photoshop Wizardry
Cost $328,000, panic $10/hour, mild anxiety
Benefit “real” “awesome”

 

White House, please feel free to get in touch via Mother Jones.

[Update: Dammit, the New York Daily News beat me to this by like 30 minutes. ]

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WHO DOESN’T LOVE A POSITIVE STORY—OR TWO?

“Great journalism really does make a difference in this world: it can even save kids.”

That’s what a civil rights lawyer wrote to Julia Lurie, the day after her major investigation into a psychiatric hospital chain that uses foster children as “cash cows” published, letting her know he was using her findings that same day in a hearing to keep a child out of one of the facilities we investigated.

That’s awesome. As is the fact that Julia, who spent a full year reporting this challenging story, promptly heard from a Senate committee that will use her work in their own investigation of Universal Health Services. There’s no doubt her revelations will continue to have a big impact in the months and years to come.

Like another story about Mother Jones’ real-world impact.

This one, a multiyear investigation, published in 2021, exposed conditions in sugar work camps in the Dominican Republic owned by Central Romana—the conglomerate behind brands like C&H and Domino, whose product ends up in our Hershey bars and other sweets. A year ago, the Biden administration banned sugar imports from Central Romana. And just recently, we learned of a previously undisclosed investigation from the Department of Homeland Security, looking into working conditions at Central Romana. How big of a deal is this?

“This could be the first time a corporation would be held criminally liable for forced labor in their own supply chains,” according to a retired special agent we talked to.

Wow.

And it is only because Mother Jones is funded primarily by donations from readers that we can mount ambitious, yearlong—or more—investigations like these two stories that are making waves.

About that: It’s unfathomably hard in the news business right now, and we came up about $28,000 short during our recent fall fundraising campaign. We simply have to make that up soon to avoid falling further behind than can be made up for, or needing to somehow trim $1 million from our budget, like happened last year.

If you can, please support the reporting you get from Mother Jones—that exists to make a difference, not a profit—with a donation of any amount today. We need more donations than normal to come in from this specific blurb to help close our funding gap before it gets any bigger.

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